Fatal decisions

Dr  Robert Anthony is of the opinion that most of us grew up never having to make any major decisions. Adults frequently deprived us of this responsibility and made them for us. If we tried to make a decision or state and opinion, it was never given any importance. Our parents were the final authority. We either agreed to their demands or else tried to talk our way out of what they wanted us to do.

As we entered adolescence, it became apparent that we would soon have to decide what was best for us. This can be a frightening experience as the average teenager goes forth into the adult world with very little preparation for what lies ahead. Our home training and system of education have largely ignored this vital and necessary part of our growth.

Conformity

It is at this stage of our lives that we make the fatal decision to conform. As children, we were trained to obey or suffer the conse­quences so it is little wonder that, as we enter adulthood, most of us choose to perpetuate conformity as the easiest and most expedient approach to life. We prefer not to rock the boat because our need for approval is usually far stron­ger than our desire to do what we really want.

“Conformity is one of the greatest psychological evils of humankind. The person caught in this destructive habit rarely reaches his or her goals. He wants to be a great person, independent and do important things. But he cannot. His primary motivation to always seek approval prevents him.”

The conformist is filled with the need for approval. He can never get enough. He runs from one person to another seeking compli­ments and endorsements for his behaviour and actions. As a child, he turned to parents and teachers; when he started to work, to his boss and fellow workers; in mar­riage, he turns to his mate. He must always have someone around to pat him on the head and tell him he is doing a good job. This bolsters up his poor self-esteem. By constantly seeking approval, he escapes from the responsibility of creating his own success and happiness and become totally dependent on oth­ers for his well-being. Indeed, he is their psychological slave; a person who can no longer imagine what life would be like if he approached it in a self-reliant manner.

The opposite of bravery is not cowardice, but conformity. We should never invest another human being with the power to either build or wreck our lives, or domi­nate our initiative.

Comparison breeds fear

Comparison is a sign of poor self-esteem. The person who compares himself to others lives in a state of fear. He fears those he imagines are above him. Believing them to be superior, he feels he can never achieve their level of compe­tence. He fears those he imagines are below him because they seem to be catching up. If he works in a large company, he is always looking around him to see who is looming as a threat. The greater the height to which he arises, the greater his fear of falling.

The only way to get through life, he concludes, is to beat people at their own game. But, as his primary concern becomes being “one up” on the next person on his imagi­nary ladder, life loses it enjoyment.

Competition – Killer of cre­ativity

All forms of competition are hostile. They may seem friendly on the surface, but the prime motiva­tion is to be or do “better than” the next person. However, you were placed on this earth to CREATE, not to compete, so if competition is used as your basic motivation to do anything, it will literally conspire against you and defeat you every time. What we are saying is that the purpose of life is to BE, not to compete. As one teacher puts it, “I am FOR me, not AGAINST anyone!”

Although it may appear that the world is a competitive place, it is only competitive to those who feel the need to compete. Most people will reject this idea because of their childhood training where compe­tition was highly promoted and endorsed. If you ask them if they think competition is healthy, they will reply, with great enthusiasm, that it is not only healthy, but also necessary! They feel that it gives life meaning, purpose and direc­tion that a person needs a reward for doing a “good job.” It never occurs to them that the reward is in the DOING and not in the end result.

We compete with others only when we are unsure of our abilities and ourselves. Competition is merely imitation. It originates in early childhood from our need to copy others. The competitive per­son feels that others are better than he and sets out to prove otherwise. He struggles to surpass those he feels are superior. In effect, he is always comparing himself to peo­ple around him. The competitive person always needs someone else to validate how well he is doing.

The self-reliant individual, on the other hand, does not feel the need to compete. He does not need to look and see what others are doing or be “better than” the next person. Recognizing his capabil­ities for what they are, he strives for excellence in his own life. The only competition is with himself; to achieve greater personal growth and excellence in what he desires to accomplish.

Praise

Praise seeking implies that you must constantly prove your worth. Every time you make a mistake or do something you feel does not meet someone else’s standards, you feel “less than” others. You then blame yourself and feel guilty for not doing what you think you “should.” You keep on asking yourself, “Have I done well enough?” But the person who goes through life trying to do “well enough” develops the compulsive need to be or do “better than” others. No matter how hard you try to be better than someone in any given area; you will feel inadequate because there are always those who, in your eyes, have surpassed you. They will have more money, larger homes, greater prestige, better physical attributes, etc. It is a game you can never win.

Praise is the replay of our child­hood dependency when so much of our existence depended upon parental approval. Praise and blame were the means of control. If we were obedient and submissive, we were rewarded. If we resisted, we were punished.

So deeply is the system of reward and punishment embedded in our subconscious minds and central nervous systems that we au­tomatically respond to any form of praise or blame. Just as we spent a large portion of our childhood and adolescence in trying to please our parents, so, as adults, we will spend much of the remainder of our lives trying to please others.

The most destructive power of praise lies in its ability to make you identify with your actions. Praise says, in effect, that you are “good” because of your “good” acts and “bad” if you make a mistake or act “badly.” Any time you do not meet the standards of the person prais­ing you, you believe you have let them down and experience feelings of guilt.

As a result, those who praise you can set you up so that they are in a position to control much of your life. As long as you serve their pur­poses they will fulfill your needs, but when they want more from you than you are willing or able to give, they withhold the praise you seek and motivate you through guilt. They know that if they can make you feel guilty, you will do almost anything to regain their approval.

If you are to be totally free and self-confident, you must cease being caught in the trap of praise seeking. Breaking this destructive habit requires that you stop placing others above yourself. Never look up to anyone for any reason.

BY CAPT SAM ADDAIH (RTD)

The post Fatal decisions appeared first on Ghanaian Times.

Read Full Story