The Attitude Lounge with Kodwo Brumpon: The lies we tell ourselves

“One who bathes willingly with cold water doesn’t feel the cold.” – African proverb

The year end is around the corner and many amongst us are going to be afflicted with the absurdity that we call ‘New Year Resolutions.’ It is a craze that if we were honest folk (which we are not), we would call it what it really is; a yearly festival of self-delusion wrapped in niceties and false hope. This is a charade I have participated in for more years than I care to count. I have sworn and pledged myself to write daily, exercise regularly, have more fun, and be kinder to people, among many other promises that my brain now regard my promises as a form of foreplay.

Let me paint you a portrait you will easily recognise, though it will sting worse than iodine on a fresh wound. The first day of the New Year will arrive wearing its finest garments of possibility, positivism, prospects and a clean slate. We would then tell ourselves; we are grateful to be part of the newness the harmattan brought that day. Then we declare, from this day forward, I am going to become who I have always known I should be. We look up the New Year to-do list, and then pronounce ourselves titans of self-control.

The majority of us, on average, last until the fourth day of January. Some of us make it to February if we are particularly stubborn or particularly deluded. A blessed few will struggle all the way to March before the whole glorious edifice comes crashing down as if our resolutions had dried up like the palm houses, we weaved for Christmas. Why? It is not because we are weak, though the good Lord knows we are. Neither is it because we lack desire. Many of us have got desire in buckets. We fall and struggle to get back up because we fundamentally misunderstand the nature of willpower itself.

Willpower is not just real, but important. It is the only weapon we have got. Interestingly, most of us wield it like a drunk man swinging a stick in the dark, with great enthusiasm and terrible aim. We treat it like it is a light switch to be turned on or off, present or absent. The truth is that it is not. On the first day of the New Year, our ‘willpower’ is more like a tired horse that has been ridden hard all throughout the Christmas festivities. It has got another mile in it, maybe two if you are gentle. Suddenly, you ask it to gallop up a mountain after it has already pulled your cart through town all week. That horse is going to look at you with justified contempt and lie down.

Every decision we make drains the well a little. Every temptation we resist takes a nibble at our resolve. By evening, we are running on fumes and sluggish prayers. That is precisely when the devil shows up with that sweet temptation. He comes holding that extra drink, that second helping of goat soup, and announces that you need ‘just one more’ episode and then you can stop. You might resist him on the first day, but you go to bed dreaming about how a little sip or a lit bite would have done no harm. You wake up with eagerness on the second all ready to be stronger, but the temptations get harder and tougher and instead of the ‘no alcohol’ you swore, you tell yourself ‘a glass of wine’ is good for the heart. That is when you crumble. God help us, we crumble every time.

However, there are a handful amongst us who actually keep their resolutions. Not many though. They are rarer than honest politicians and genuine humility, but they exist. And you know what they all have in common? They do not rely on willpower alone. They understand something the rest of us refuse to accept, which is that willpower is necessary but insufficient. It gives us the spark to start, but not the fire to keep us burning all year.

They build systems. They removed temptations. They tell other people about their goals (resolutions), thereby weaponising shame and social pressure. This can be highly effective, though it is not particularly noble. They forgave themselves for small failures without using those failures as permission for larger ones. But most importantly, they understand that self-discipline is not about one heroic moment of resistance. It is about the ten thousand tiny, unglamorous choices we make when nobody is watching and nobody cares. That is the part that kills most resolutions. The sheer tedious boredom of doing the right thing repeatedly without anyone applauding you.

Maybe you expect that this discipline should get easier with practice, like pumping muscle. The truth? It never gets easy. You just get slightly better at being uncomfortable. The temptations do not disappear. You just develop a passing acquaintance with the art of saying no. And sometimes, you might fail, but you need to get up. So yes, make resolutions again for next year. Many of us will probably break most of them by end of the first month, but you must get up and try again anyway. The New Year will not make us different people. It will just give us another chance to try being the people we already are, only slightly better, slightly stronger, slightly more than we were yesterday.

Comments, suggestions and requests for talks and training should be sent to him at [email protected]

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